Pride and Prejudice—The Musical



In a small town in Hertfordshire lived the Bennets, a family with a mother, a father and five lovely daughters. They would have been a very happy family if it hadn't been for one thing: the lamentable lack of suitable young men for the girls to marry. One day, however, such a man moved into a nearby house, and the mother worried more than ever...


Song: What is to become of us all?
Music: Seven Little Girls Sitting in the Back Seat
Singers: Mr and Mrs Bennet

Mrs Bennet:
Five young girls, all of them must marry
men with fortunes none too small
Oh, my nerves are bad and my poor head is aching;
What is to become of us all?

Mr Bennet:
You may talk all you like about your pains and your nerves,
I'm not at all concerned about our five young girls!
I'm having fun, sitting in my library
Laughing at our neighbours and friends!

Mrs Bennet:
One young man, name of Mr Bingley,
has moved into Netherfield Hall!
You must visit him, or else I don't know
what is to become of us all!

Mr Bennet:
You may cluck all you like just like a big mother hen,
I'm not at all concerned about your rich young men!
I'm having fun, sitting in my library
Laughing at our neighbours and friends!

Mrs Bennet:
Every young man who is rich and single,
has got to be in want of a wife.
If you would only visit Mr Bingley,
our girls would have a wonderful life!

Mr Bennet:
You may talk all you like but I won't listen to you.
I do not understand what you are going through.
I'm having fun, sitting in my library
Laughing at our neighbours and friends!


But of course the father did visit with Mr Bingley, and on the next ball (in the Assembly Room! On Saturday!) they all got to meet him, and found him to be very agreeable and plainly infatuated with Jane Bennet. But the man he brought with him, Mr Darcy as he called himself, was another matter. He refused to dance with Elizabeth on the grounds that she was not beautiful enough; fortunately, she did not care for him either, so it was of little matter.

Meanwhile, Jane went to dinner with Mr Bingley's sisters and caught a cold, enabling her to stay several days in the same house with Mr Bingley; and Elizabeth came to stay with her. Now Darcy realised to his mortification that he was in love with Elizabeth! Not that he could let her or anybody else know it. The plot thickens...

Soon afterwards, Mr Collins, a relative of Mr Bennet who possessed a remarkable stupidity, came to visit.


Song: Collins the Clergyman
Music: I'm Popeye the Sailorman
Sung by Mr Collins

I'm Collins the clergyman!
I'm Collins the clergyman!
I'm handsome and witty, my dancing is pretty.
I'm Collins the clergyman.

I'm Collins the clergyman!
I'm Collins the clergyman!
I'm strong as a bull and of wisdom I'm full.
I'm Collins the clergyman.


Poor Mr Collins. Everybody laughed at him, and Elizabeth didn't want to marry him. In fact, the only person who did want him was the dull daughter, Mary.


Song: Mary's song
Music: Sally's Song (from A Nightmare Before Christmas)
Singer: Mary Bennet

I'm not the prettiest of girls.
I scoff at ribbons, frown at curls.
I never needed them before,
but now I've seen him
I want to win him
but will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be.

He is so handsome and so nice.
And every word he says is wise.
I've never felt like this before
but will he notice
my feelings for him?
No, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one...


In the end, however, Mr Collins decided to marry Charlotte Lucas, and good riddance for Mary, if truth be told.

The younger daughters, Kitty and Lydia, had in the meantime got something far more interesting to occupy their thoughts:


Song: A Handful Of Soldiers
Music: Just a Spoonful of Sugar (from Mary Poppins)
Singers: Kitty and Lydia Bennet (in unison)

We are two girls who like to dance
everytime we get the chance,
we're very fond of flirting and of cards.
But since our village is so small
we never have a ball;
to dance again
we need a few more men!
Just a handful of soldiers in their regimental red,
their regimental red, their regimental red.
Just a handful of soldiers in their regimental red,
we'll call before they're out of bed!

(Ah-mmmmMMMMMMMmm!)


Among the soldiers was a certain Mr Wickham, who captured many young ladies' hearts, among them that of Miss Elizabeth. He told her how Mr Darcy had been abominably mean and cruel to him, and she believed him implicitly, and disliked Mr Darcy even more than before.

Mr Bingley, on the other hand, continued to be amiable. He even arranged a bachelor party for poor Mr Collins, who had no friends in Hertfordshire to do it, all in order to ingratiate himself with Jane Bennet. Now, the only person to come to the party was Mr Wickham, who couldn't refuse free wine. Towards the end of the evening, host, bridegroom and guest all got intoxicated and started telling each other some truths...


Song: If I only had my wish
Music: If I Only Had a Heart (from The Wizard of Oz)
Singers: Mr Wickham, Mr Collins, Mr Bingley

Wickham:
I'm afraid there's no denying
I'm very good at lying
because I am so smart.
That's just me—I don't regret it,
though I guess I might feel wretched
if I only had a heart.

All the men find me alarming,
their ladies think I'm charming:
I pierce them like a dart.
And I wound without a worry,
but I think I would feel sorry
if I only had a heart!

Collins:
Those who know me well would never
presume to call me clever
in fact I'm half insane.
But I don't think that I show it
I believe you would not know it
if I only had a brain!

Bingley:
I'm a single man with money
so of course I need a honey
To cherish and to serve.
Now my lack of guts I'm ruing
but I know whom I'd be wooing
if I only had the nerve.


Now we see the real colour of Mr Wickham's mettle. Well, well, well. After Christmas he started seeking the favours of a certain Mary King, and so he could be supposed to be out of the picture.

Elizabeth went to Kent, to see the Collinses and the formidable Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Nothing much happened, apart from an unexpected proposal—the sort of thing that happens every day to most of us—and Lizzie returned to her home to discover that the officers were going to be removed from Meryton, and the Bennet family was going to be removed from the officers. Except for Lydia.


Song: A Handful Of Soldiers, take 2
Music: Just a Spoonful of Sugar (refrain)
Singer: Lydia

A whole campful of soldiers in their regimental red,
their regimental red, their regimental red.
A whole campful of soldiers in their regimental red,
When I return I shall be wed!


Elizabeth departed for a trip to Derbyshire with her aunt and uncle. Thither also went Mr Darcy, in order to perfect his diving technique.


Song: Swimming in the Pond
Music: Singing in the Rain
Singer: The man himself

I'm swimming in the pond!
Just swimming in the pond!
What a glorious feeling, I look like James Bond.
I've left all my cares
On the shore up above
I'm certain of this: I will conquer my love.
I feel bright and alert
In my white linen shirt!
I'll emerge as a new man, washed clean of all dirt.
My horse up on land might think I abscond
but I'm swimming, just swimming in the pond!


When he got out of the water he met Elizabeth, and invited her for dinner with her aunt and uncle. He displayed such a different manner that Elizabeth started to feel much more kindly towards him—and when she got back to the inn at Lambton (only five miles from Pemberley!) she thought about him a great deal.


Song: Grounds of Pemberley
Music: Min Soldat (translated into English as "The Shrine of St Cecilia")
Singer: Elizabeth

I found him disagreeable the first time we met.
When asking for my hand, he made me cross and upset.
But all of a sudden, he's civil and kind,
Perhaps I am changing my mind...

I know he is prejudiced, unpleasant and proud.
His temper's resentful too, he said so out loud;
and yet, when he smiles, the sun comes out from a cloud
o'er the grounds of Pemberley.

He's handsome for certain and he's rich to be sure.
His sister's a darling whom you've got to adore,
but still, to all this he also has something more:
Those lovely grounds of Pemberley.

I don't know what I feel.
Can his transformation be for real?
I'm a woman, I'm not made of steel!
Why has he such appeal?

Miss Bingley is trying all her feminine wiles
and yet it is only towards me that he smiles:
Oh, if I had wings I think I'd fly those five miles
back to him at Pemberley!


Meanwhile, at Brighton...


Song: Lydia
Music: Cecilia (Simon & Garfunkel)
Singer: Mr Wickham

Lydia,
you've stolen my heart!
You've captured my fancy forever.
Oh, miss Lydia,
hey, whay to you say
'bout running away now with me (now with me)

I have got to run away;
I owe people money I can't pay (Come with me!)
Come with me to Gretna Green,
we'll get married, live in respectability!

Lydia,
you've stolen my heart!
You've captured my fancy forever.
Oh, miss Lydia,
hey, whay to you say
'bout running away now with me (now with me...)


And she believed him. Thoughtless, thoughtless Lydia! Elizabeth had to leave Derbyshire, just as Darcy, wearing a green coat, was about to propose to her again. At home, she found her mother in hysterics, and her father unable to do anything about the situation.

But Mr Darcy, who had now left the dark side and gone over to the side of Good, fixed everything, and also allowed Mr Bingley to marry Jane. And finally, he got to pop the question to Elizabeth.


Song: Dearest Elizabeth
Music: Staying Alive
Singer: Mr Darcy

Well, you can tell from the way I talk to you
I'm a better man, I swear it's true.
I still want you in my life,
won't you please consent to be my wife?
But if you say no,
I will go,
I'm not gonna pester you.
You made me see
how I could be
turned into a better me, so
dearest Elizabeth, loveliest Elizabeth,
marry me now! Marry me now!
Dearest Elizabeth, loveliest Elizabeth,
marry me now! Marry me now!
Ah-ah-ah-ah, marry me now! Marry me now!
Ah-ah-ah-ah, marry me no-o-o-ow!


Who could withstand such a passionate, romantic outburst? Not Elizabeth Bennet. And they lived happily ever after.

The End

All changes to the original texts made by by Linnéa Anglemark.